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[19 Nov 2004|07:00pm] |
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Barely here............barely there.
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| Hey all! |
[16 Feb 2004|08:34pm] |
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Sorry, I have been gone for so long. And sorry again for such scary news that last time I made an entry. To catch everyone up, I went to my doctor after experiencing a rather sharp pain in my neck and head each time I went running on the track. Well it turns out they cant figure out what it is. They of course tell me all these gorey stories of what it could be but they still have yet to find proof. Anyhow needless to say ive been doing quite a bit of soul searching these past months. Ive been living my life quite differently now because at any minute i could drop dead like john ritter. Sometimes it doesnt feel real that that could happen to me. You know life is so full of questions sometimes. Ive sat alone thinking how I could have done things differently here and there in my life. How i should have traveled more, or said what i meant to say when i really should have, or told those i secretly loved how i felt. ah nobody really listens to me.....
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| Little Surprises |
[25 Sep 2003|08:00pm] |
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 calm |
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Woke up today........went to the doctor......turns out I am going to die......That is all I have to say today perhaps Ill elaborate later.......right now im gonna go sit under MY sycamore trees and think a bit in the moonlight.
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| Long time no hear...... |
[08 Jul 2003|11:31pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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Boy oh boy, I've had some adventures since I last posted a journal entry.....
To update everyone I got fired quite suddenly from the lab job I had. Turns out they just didn't want to hire me on at the end of my three months so they had the Temp Agency call me after my lunch break one day and tell me not to come in the following day. Kinda rude not giving me any notice don't you think? Anyhow, I wasn't planning to stay there. I was looking for something better with people that weren't so shallow.
I did find something........as of yesterday that is........I am now a Graphic Designer for an ad agency here in town. I am so happy because it isn't the run of the mill small town kind of place. It is actually a large professional one. We will have to see if they are gonna pull what the lab did in three months but until then I'm gonna be making not much but at least a lot more than I did at the lab. I cant wait! The job market sucks right now so I'm just grateful to have a job. I will miss sleeping in everday though, hehe.
Now on to my love life........I'm officially "with" John. His parents now know, as well as my mother. Its great! I am no longer a secret!......or a shame (which is how I felt). We make love quite a bit. I cant believe I actually do that now! It is such a great stress reliever and thus my skin and hair seem healthier. Strange to say, I know but its true! We talk a lot bout babies and family and marriage. I just cant believe it all......too good to be true and all! By the way, just so you know......it all changed between him and I (for the better) when he started taking his medicine for the mood swings. Ever since it has been magical. I feel so loved and never have I loved a person more. I feel like one of those pretty girls I used to admire from afar that were practically drowning in the attention and admiration from guys around them. I'm in a very happy place at the moment. I am now one of those "well kissed" girls that I always wanted to be.
I promise to try to post more more often but for now, its your turn.......any good news from you?
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| Forgive me! |
[11 Apr 2003|06:56am] |
Heres a run down of last month:
* New job at a lab!
* Almost finished with my two huge paintings
* Went to a state track meet in Austin
* Had a birthday (which everyone forgot) *shrugs*
* Lost my V (sad to see it go......but a strange and great experience)
* Found out I am not with child YAY!
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| Surprise Surprise.......its me |
[06 Apr 2003|09:27pm] |
I AM a plain girl with a seductive name
I THINK about being loved more than I should
I KNOW way too many movie quotes
I WANT land, lots and lots of it someday
I HAVE way TOO LITTLE time on my hands
I WISH I could be successful and have my family already
I HATE finding out when someone has lied to me
I MISS being able to play like I did when I was a child
I FEAR never reaching my goal
I HEAR the quirky voice of Mulder, my love
I SEARCH to be loved
I WONDER what it would have been like to have been gorgeous and skinny my whole life
I REGRET getting fat
I LOVE making love
I CARE for too many people and things
I ALWAYS take too much on
I AM NOT someone guys ask out
I DANCE because I love feeling the music
I SING because im Irish and we love to sing
I CRY for three days straight every month
I DO NOT ALWAYS trust the right people
I FIGHT myself
I WRITE when I cant draw fast enough
I WIN at cake walks every time (I hate cake!)
I LOSE people I love
I CONFUSE small children
I LISTEN because I really do care
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND lying in my bed with my bf making out
I NEED to get skinny
I AM HAPPY ABOUT finally being close to the guy I love
I SHOULD finish this goddamn painting I needed done a month ago done already
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| Just thinking about you...... |
[02 Mar 2003|02:32pm] |
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 contemplative |
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Strangely enough I'm watching "The World's Strongest Man" competition right now. These guys are HUGE (not in the naughty way, you gutter minds out there) but in sheer size. They are too big for my taste but it is very interesting to watch these guys lift and tow such strange items such as tires and boats and planes. Anyhow while watching this show I saw a face that seemed so familiar. Hes one of the top guys in the competition, hes blonde, I think he won back in 98. But there was something about his face. His face the broadness of his nose the space between the top of his lip and bottom of his nose, the eyebrows, the cheekbones......I realized he looked like me. Those features I see in my own reflection that I consider so odd are the ones I saw on his face. Furthermore he is from Sweden just like my Da. Its further proof of my ancestry. I don't look British or Russian or even Norweigian. I NEVER see my face in any one around me like all these Hispanic people do here. Silently I have always wondered what it would be like to emersed in nothing but faces like mine. Then I thought of my half sister somewhere out there. One thing, out of so little I do know, is that my Swedish father had a four year old daughter when I was born. Sometimes the thought of her enters my mind. I wonder if she knows of me.......I wonder if like me she wonders if I look like her or if she looks like me. I wonder if we would be like twins. I wonder if she has my strangely copper golden coloured hair. I wonder if the things that make me so different in my known family are the things that she and I have in common. I wonder if she isn't the only sibling I have. Did my Da have more kids? Does he want to find me? Do they know of me? Do my grandparents, if they are alive? Do I have family in Sweden I can visit? It just seems there is such a different world for me and more grand adventures when I think of them.....So to my sister out there, I am thinking of you. Maybe we can meet someday. God Bless
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| I must say nay....... |
[02 Mar 2003|08:44am] |
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music |
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dixie chicks -- traveling soldier |
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I've decided to NOT give in.....I've decided that he doesn't deserve it. I might not be the most gorgeous person out there but the one thing I have saved for someone special is not going to be dished out to the first person to come along, not matter how much I may want to in the moment. First of all, he has not shown me in the way I need that he really loves me. And because of that I do not want, nor have I ever wanted, my first time with anybody other than the man that really loves me. And if that man's path never leads into my own then so be it. Id rather have done nothing now then forever regret what I had so easily given up. I've gone too long now just to throw it away because I don't want to feel freakish. And that is really why I was actually tempted to go through it with him. I want to feel grown up.......I want to feel like I'm an adult. I've been working on that aspect of my life as of late and I guess it is one of the final steps to take to be considered an adult, or that was my misguided logic. The MORE grown up thing to do is hold fast to your own morals. Ever since I first thought of sex I have always longed for it to be with my best friend and husband. He is not my husband although he has hissed the promises of it in my ear for months now. I knew he didn't love me for sure the last time he said I looked pretty while I was in the middle of a very demeaning act. Yet he doesnt tell me on Valentines day when I dressed my best for him. Soon I will be telling him to go I believe. He is never going to be content with the world and since I'm a part of it he will never be content with me. He will always find things that I don't do right and for me that is disheartening. As long as he is so conditional with his love I just will not be able to live my life wholly and peacefully. If I never find another person I trust or love again then I accept that. I must concentrate on my own life and how I can prove to myself how much I love myself. If I never have another person love me at least I will have myself and that is more than many people have. I want to be self sufficient and secure and that is just what I'm going to have to do to get it. Now, for now, its back to my paintings and readings.
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| Decisions, decisions.. |
[23 Feb 2003|10:20am] |
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GnFnRs- Sweet Child O Mine |
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Lately I've been confronted with a situation I've never really had to deal with before. I'm almost 25 now and all these long years I have managed to keep my V. Its never been a big deal to me but lately with Clint, things are getting more heated. I've managed to lose all my first to him so far. I would like to lose it with someone like him because hes a V too, which is rare in a guy our age, and I like the innocence of how it would be. I would be very intimidated if the guy I have it first with has had oodles and oodles of partners before me. But when it comes to the moment, like last night, I get scared. I don't want to give it up. Its one of the things I still am naive about I guess. I suppose its the last little bit of not being so grown up I still can hold on to. *sigh* I don't know what to do because I do want to be with him BADLY but at the same time I will miss being kinda special in my own way. Now it seems that it would be that much more special if I were still a V when and if I get married but I don't think I would like to be a 40 year V someday either. I was raised very Roman Catholic and although I'm not a practicing one really today, I guess the saving yourself preaching sunk in. I keep thinking that he just doesn't love me the way I would like him to......not enough for me to give up my V to him. He didn't even give me flowers on Valentines, which as you can tell still shocks me greatly. All I can say is the next time, I probably wont be able to say no to him. Ill probably go through with it all though I feel like he really doesn't want me he just wants it. Anyway somehow Ill figure something out. I always do... :)
Say prayers for me, I applied to a Federal Biologist job that I would really like to have....so hopefully if God is good and knows whats good for him, hell let me have it.....
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| A Far well to Fluffy |
[22 Feb 2003|06:18pm] |
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Fluffy is gone. I've been so busy with teaching at my mothers school that I have been neglecting my pets a little and as a result, as it always seems to happen, one has passed away. It always seems to be my most favourite ones too. Perhaps its because I pick the most helpless or most dependent on my attention that that seems to be the case. Anyhow, the one this time was the smallest and also the feistiest of all my baby turtles, the runt. Everyday I usually take special care of him knowing he cannot do things the other turtles can do. So every morning I would dunk him in the water dish since he was too small to crawl up into it and I would make sure to set him apart with his own pile of food from the others so that he always had enough to eat. Well lately I haven't been able to even look at them and my mother has been throwing some lettuce in there everyday for me. ANd because time just flys by when you are so busy , I look back now and I am shocked to realize it has been weeks since I really took care of my turtles. And Fluffy must have been gone for a few days by the time I found him. I feel so guilty as I should. Its because of me hes dead. A tiny little life is snuffed out because of my own irresponsibility. Theres nothing I can really do about it now except to never let it happen again. Fluffy will be missed.....he was a memorable little guy and I and others who ever got to see him in action, will not be forgetting him.
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| Hooray! |
[21 Feb 2003|08:06pm] |
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Weather: Rainy and Thundery |
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I ACED IT!!!!!! I am a legal driver now!! I'm so proud of myself because I did it all by myself since my family made sure they were scarce when I needed help that day! I can almost taste the freedom that is almost here.....soon I will be completely on my own, I wont have to depend on anyone......I can be my own person.....Ill write more later, I'm just too tired from teaching school and I really need a nap....catch ya later
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| The Many Adventures of the Amazing Dirt Dumpling...... |
[17 Feb 2003|11:39pm] |
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I had so much fun today. All I did was drive around, illegally may I add. Tomorrow I am scheduled to get my driver's license whooo hoooo! Of course nobody is around to help me out.....so Im going to have to drive illegally to the dmv and lie to them tell them I DIDNT drive myself to their establishment and hopefully if they believe that I can take my test and then Im one step closer to being free. Then Im off to go get the free movie passes I won for Gods and Generals and then ugh and this is the suckiest part.....I have to go talk to the Math teacher at my mothers school. I cant believe I accepted the sub job there! See the Math teacher is leaving for one month and I agreed to sub the class for only a week and a half and I know already Im going to hate despise abhor that reached job. but it will be money and money is good.......money make me happy....well money make the creditors happy.....
I MUST mention the events of this past weekend......the planets aligned or something and the strange events that only happen in my life it seems occurred again.....
Saturday I took my mother to the botanical gardens here and while we were sitting at the cabin looking out on the serene lake a horrendous and violent lightning and thunder storm blew in. We were trapped.........it hailed......the thunder roared above........the wind tore at the trees......it was GREAT!
Sunday early EARLY Sunday....my mother and I witnessed a car accident......the car went flying over the median and landed about two blocks away after passing over the opposite lane of road and crashing through a store lawn and a side street until it finally stooped about 1 foot from a telephone pole and a truck.........I of course immediately started running toward the car all the time hoping not to see the gore I saw in china just two months ago. Since I was the first on the scene I was terrified I wouldn't know CPR and might kill this poor person. Happily the guy seemed okay.....very much in shock and irate with a torn open lip and chin but from what I could see no broken bones or serious noggin injuries. I asked him the usual things......"are you okay? did you hit your head? what happened?" he responded very rudely, like...."fuck my head, fuck my lip, fuck that, fuck this" Then he presented his proof of insurance to me so then I knew he was really out of it. I saw all the gas and oil leaking and then the black smoke pouring from the back of his car so I reached in and turned it off.....then he started being nicer to me seeing I just prolly prevented us from getting blown up. I have no idea what happened to him cause I had to leave right away but I did wait till someone else came along to keep him company. I figured the guy had enough trouble so I didn't feel like sticking around to tell the police there was no other car cutting him off like he said there was.....good thing Im a nice girl eh?
Sunday night......I had a talk with the bf......he and I watched OZ in my bed....while I snuggled up to him. Later online I told him how lonely I was feeling....how I hate not getting affection from him....he apologized for it and told me he was going to try harder.....Im not being too optimistic......it wont last, but maybe hell surprise me.
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| Grrrrrrrrrrr baby! |
[17 Feb 2003|10:45pm] |
 You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on. What inner color are you? [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font [...] shirono</font>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <A HREF= " http://quizilla.com/users/Shirono/quizzes/The%20inner%20color%20quiz%20(Utena%20Images)" > <IMG SRC="http://homepage.mac.com/werkers/colorquiz/youarered.jpg"> <P>You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.</P> <P>What inner color are you? </P></A> <P><FONT SIZE= "-1"Quiz by Shirono</FONT> </P> |
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| Aye me.......flowerless yet again..... |
[15 Feb 2003|05:08pm] |
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Haha, I'm laughing now.....well, maybe not, but I'm handling this pretty well. I spent all yesterday looking for the most perfect outfit to wear for vday. Being that this was going to be my first ever vday with a date, I wanted it to be extra special. I found the sexiest low cut top for my outfit. It was a deep wine red and the material was some kind of lace. The sleeves were long and they flared at the ends. I was a little concerned that it wouldn't match the purples of the skirt and blazer that I had at home but as soon as I put them all together it was a perfect blend. I even bought some 1 inch heels so that I wouldn't be taller than my date (which is always a concern). Earlier, and I do mean early, at about 6 am I stopped by Central Market to buy him a fresh rose before the hordes of vday minions touch every rose and bruise their petals. Its hard enough to watch everyone get flowers from the ones that love them after all right?.....so I didn't want him to feel as if he was forgotten on vday.
Any who, on top of all this, it was my mothers bday. So I had to stop by her school and give her a card. I sat, ate cake, chit chatted with the parents and kids, then I left after an hour. Looking back I wish I had spent more time with her. I didn't stay long because I wanted to rush home and get myself all shaved and bathed and primped and pretty for my date. A few hours later he showed up. He had already gotten tickets to DareDevil which was okay except for the fact that that was the last movie I wanted to see. Anyhow, now he was sitting in my living room waiting for me.....I was still getting ready......then I told him to close his eyes and I walked out there.......I cant tell you how nervous I was......and this I'm afraid is what was said......Ill report it transcript style hehe.....
Me: Okay okay now close your eyes! I have something special to show you!
Him: OK they're closed
Me: I wanted to dress up because I never dress up ......Okay open!
(He doesn't say anything but just gets up off the couch. About that time I notice he isn't holding flowers. I look back at my kitchen table and nope didn't see any flowers there either. Then I look back at him......hes looking at my legs)
Him: Are you wearing panty hose?
Me: Yeah, why?
Him: I was gonna say cause your legs arent as white......glowing white as they usually are.....
Me: (a little shocked by that comment and no flowers at this point) So .....do you like?
Him: Your legs? Oh the outfit? Yeah......so were do you want to go eat?
Now if you don't see anything wrong with what was said up there........Id have to say your probably a guy.......It really hurt me that he didn't react another way to my dressing up, after all I did it for him. And then not even bringing me a single rose......wow......that was really bad........very bad.. In fact I felt so bad when I gave him his flowers, the ones I gave him in lou of him getting me some so that he could say he got flowers too.....That was partly my fault.......I shoudlt have gotten my hopes up.......
Practically in tears at this point, he and I drove to get gas.......there was an amazing storm swirling above. The lightning was violently flashing in the clouds and the thunder was like the thunder you hear in the movies. It was perfect and dramatic......it was a how I felt inside. I had to stop myself from thinking how this was my first valentines ever and I didn't get flowers, my date didn't seem to care about what I was wearing, he hadn't planned out anything to do......he basically bought tickets to a movie he wanted to see.......aaaaah what hell to be in. I cried during at La Madeleiene, the place I picked to eat, I cried during that awful movie we saw. I was even sitting next to two ass holes who kept talking about tits and ass the entire movie and in front of a noisy cranky baby.
Next we were driving home...he asked me what was wrong......I told him everything.....not enough affection from him lately....he just doesn't think of others......I know flowers cost money.....he just can never handle spending money on things not for him....I HATE THAT.....he cant even buy me a rose on vday because of that.
When we got home he wanted to watch xmen so we did.....I love the movie anyway perhaps he was feeling bad for what I said to him but he made the moves on me......we kissed and kissed and kissed.....then of course I went further gave him a goddamn bj and this time I hated every minute of it. he doesn't deserve that I kept thinking.....he doesn't even hold my hand or kiss me on a regular basis. Shit I almost lost my virginity AGAIN with him! I'm lost it was one of the worst days I've had in awhile......Valentines were better when I was alone........Ill never complain again......
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| Hmmm wonder what this one means....... |
[13 Feb 2003|05:27am] |
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I just had the strangest dream I've probably ever had. First of all I wasn't myself in this dream. I was a man. A blond thin man and I lived in this small, but nicely furnished, apartment. Second of all, the entire dream was spoken in French. It sounded just like French but the thing is I don't speak that language at all so if it was real French, I wouldn't really know it. I don't remember details of the dream, like what I was doing, but from what I remember it was kinda boring. Anyhow I thought Id mention it since it was such an unusual dream for me that is it wasn't a nightmare for once. But who knows, to some, being French could be a nightmare.......
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| So many calluses on my hands..... |
[02 Feb 2003|11:54am] |
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Sex Type Thing---STP |
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My friends my family seem bent on keeping me simple. If I let it, it will squash the person I am. I cant believe that THEY are my biggest obstacle. Never have I had to be so patient. They wont take me.......not without a fight that is!!!
Lately my daydreams have evolved into fantasies of sitting alone in my own apartment as I listen to my music as loud as I wish, sipping at a cup of lady gray, as I sketch and doodle the hours away. Perhaps I will have a cat or a small puppy, although the one dog I do want, an Alaskan Malamute, is much too big for a mere apartment. Therefore Ill just have to get a house. Oh I wish I could buy the "princess bed" house. To me it was the perfect house. The beds were built into each bedroom, often having one whole side a window looking out into the overgrown but beautiful backyard. It had a huge old magnolia tree planted in the middle of the front yard.The hou se could be barely seen from the street thanks to the massive tree. There was a pool and garden in the back and because of the walls of trees and vines, none of the neighbors could spy on you if you were back there. The kitchen ceiling had to be at least 17 feet high and two entire walls consisted of windows that allowed one to look out onto the lushes ness of the garden. Hmmm this fantasy differs quite a bit from my former fantasies of love and travel. Don't get me wrong, they are still fantasies of mine but for the time being, I am more seduced by independence and normalcy. I will write later......
OH yes I have good news..........I FINISHED MY DEMO!!!!!!! and it ROCKS!!!! I'm going to try to find a way to post it online so when I do everyone can have a little peek of their own!
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[28 Jan 2003|10:11pm] |
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I told you tonight I missed you. Its been two weeks since you kissed me. I miss your touch. I was hoping you could hear the sadness in my voice. I guess I was hoping you would miss me too and drive over here anyway and surprise me. I want you to miss my kisses as well. I keep waiting for you to show me you do but you never seem to.... I cant wait forever.
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| Sometimes its almost too much...... |
[28 Jan 2003|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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People are so frustrating! I have to wonder if there is a person in this world that ever thinks of someone else other than themselves. My whole life has been spent letting other people control what I have done. I have neglected my needs for far too long. But now I have found a balance. Instead of turning into one of those people who becomes completely self absorbed, I have managed to find away to accomplish what I need to do while still offering myself to those around me. It may not be as unconditionally as before but I have not forgotten them. I don't know why I am still so surprised every time I am disappointed by my loved ones lack of compassion towards me. For example tonight, my brother came over complaining of a tooth ache, caused by his extreme lack of dental hygiene by the way. Of course my mother made a terrible fuss about it. She even came into my room and chastised me for not telling him to go to the dentist. She seemed pretty serious about it too......she was very upset I didn't drop my life to hold my 40 year old brothers hand. It makes me recall the time when I was 15 and had a Scarlet Fever that November. I had a 104.5 temperature and it was only after a week of convulsing, shivering, and hallucinating that my mom and brother finally went to the grocery store to get me some medicine. But before that she had demanded I stopped my nonsense telling me that I was ruining my brothers Thanksgiving. I find myself often longing for a family that would support me in ways that help me to grow. i wish i had parents that didn't keep me from learning to drive when I was in high school just so that they could keep me home. I wish i didn't have a mother that kept me fat so that I would concentrate on my school more than boys. I wish all these things silently. I watch as the people around me do more for themselves then they do for others. Even my boyfriend will spend 70 dollars on books and dvds for himself but will not even treat me to a 4 dollar cheeseburger without complaining and making me feel bad. Meanwhile he owes me 150+ dollars and each time I ask for any of it back, he growls disgruntled remarks my way. So now I do not dare to expect to get it back. I take all of this silently hoping to endure it for not too much longer. I keep telling myself to hold on just a little longer " just a little longer......just a little longer" I say " and you will have your feet under you. And when you do you can walk anywhere you want D and if you feel like it you can run away and you never have to look back."
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| It continues.... |
[28 Jan 2003|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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Still, it remains so hard to hold fast to my plans. It seems so many things are against me, my family, my boyfriend, fate. I have to get out of this house. It is a prison. I am not even allowed to turn my bathroom light on past 10 PM because the light creeps into my mothers room. How i ache to have my own life far from this one. How tired I am of being patient. I am so sick of waiting for things to change here. The things I dream of seem so simple. I want my own life, the ability to do what I need to to live. I want a boyfriend that wants to kiss me and who doesn't condemn me every time I tell him my feelings. It all seems so far away still and I do not know if I can withstand the journey to get whre I need to be. Why is it the people I love the most, the biggest obstacles in my path? Why is it that they are the ones that impede me from living my life?
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